The pages I love

Pages from nursing staff are the bane of my existence on call days.  They send me into a sort of seizure - batting at my own waist with such force as to try and beat off a swarm of flesh-devouring flies (when really it's just an attempt to quickly hit all electronic devices clipped to me simultaneously as to stop the errant beeping one.)  I have already been conditioned to occasionally even shout "No!  THe answer is NO!"  as soon as the tone sounds.  Pavlov much?

Don't get me wrong here - nursing is one of the professions I respect most in the world.  It is a true calling and requires more patience and love for one's patient in all of the little things than I think I could ever be capable of.  That being said, sometimes I wonder at what the intellectual requirements are for some of these individuals to earn the title 'nurse'.  I worry that reading comprehension was not stressed enough (at least in the English language) and that knowledge of common medical practice might have been replace with one too many courses in 'Farmville' or some equally silly facebook pastime.  With some I am convinced that there might have been a sign put out asking for people with no common sense who like to wear scrubs.  

All this to say - here is a more entertaining sampling of some of the conversations that have actually gone on in the past 6 weeks.  I am sure this will become a repeated theme in future blogs as more pages inevitably come in... 

Nurse

Doctor

Censored thoughts of doctor

1130

Um, yes, doctor?  You just ordered fluids on Mr. X and his orders say NPO [nothing to eat or drink] after midnight.  Do you want me to start fluids?

Doesn't my order say that I want the fluids started at midnight when he goes NPO?

Oh, I didn't look.

Of course you didn't.  Paging me is so much easier than reading the administration instructions line.

Oh, it does say that.

Good.  

So, do you want me to start his fluids after midnight?

Was I speaking French to her the first time without realizing?

Yes.  Please.  Thank you.

0125

Hi - Doctor?

I am going to kill you if someone is not dying right now.

Mgrhphth-yes?

Mrs. G said her bottom was sore, so I put some lotion on it.  

You're really waking me up for lotion on a butt?

Yes... and...

Oh, I don't need you to do anything - I just wanted to let you know.

Hail Mary, mother of grace... I am going to commit murder in a hospital...

Oh, well thanks I guess.  Goodnight.

2250

This is Doctor, I was paged?

Yes.  Doctor, Mr Y's blood sugar is 298 - do you want me to give him the insulin you wrote for?

Reeeally?  Are you really asking me this?

I did write him an order for sliding-scale insulin this morning, right?

Yes, but I just wanted to check.

Yes, please give him his insulin then to bring his sugar down.  Thank you.

Sweet mother of Nancy, I am so glad it's not midnight and I'm not asleep...

0030

(thick Asian accent) Ummm, Doctor?

Yeeees?

Umm... Mr. E seems to be a little agitated.  I was hoping you could give him something.

Oh, great.  This could be really something.

What's going on?

Umm... He's pulled out all of his IVs, ripped off the monitor, taken of his gown and is roaming the hals in his underwear demanding his clothes and saying he's going home.

Dear Baby Jesus my vascular cath patient is running the halls like a naked, crazed maniac.

Oh, lovely.

Can you please write him for something?

I'll do you one better, I'll be right up.  Thank you.

More to come soon.  Happy trails.