Answering machine messages I'd like to leave today

Hello - Miss Katy Perry?  This is J.  I really, really want to hate both you and your music, but it's so darn catchy. I hate you.  K-thanks-bye.

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Hi - Nurse-who-left-my-patient-alone-too-long?  Having to deal with patients using hunting knives to cut off their IV tubes is NOT my job.  It is ridiculous that you even had to call me at 0330 this morning so that I could take care of your irresponsibility. Grow a pair and do your job please.  And please stop paging me for stupid crap. That is all.

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Excuse me - if you are the people who broke into my boyfriend's apartment and stole his stuff, you should know that this means war.  If you get near my boyfriend or his stuff again, I will call out the Air Force and a legion of surgeons with sharp objects on you.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

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Howdy, old friend.  I'm sorry I never call.  I rarely write.  I basically suck at being a good friend this year.  It's not that I don't love you or think about you often, but my life is generally just completely overrun these days and it's all that I can do to stay afloat in my own puddle of troubles.  Know that you are still important to me. Know that I care what's going on in your life.  One day I might be more normal again.  Hope we get to talk again soon.  Take care of yourself.  Bye.

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Hi, this is the tenant in 3512.  Please try to mow my lawn on some other day besides the one out of every 8 that I get to sleep in every week.  You're killing me smalls.

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Hello, my dearest.  I just called to say I love you.  Thanks for picking me.  I can't wait to see you again soon.  Always and forever yours.

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(In fluent Spanish) Hello, ma'am.  I am so sorry about your baby girl.  I wanted to comfort you so badly when I had to tell you that she had died.  It killed me in side to not be able to do anything more than sit with you and hold your hand.  Please know that I cared and I was honored to stay with you in that moment that changed your life forever.  Please be strong, I know that life will get better one day.  I hope that day is soon.